Let me tell you something about jail. It is not nice.
In fact, when you are laying in your tiny, dark, crime-planning booth of doom, you start to think of unusual things you’d love to be doing instead. I‘d rather be kissing a llama with allergies. I’d rather lick the sweat off of Kimbo Slice. I’d rather eat fire. I’d rather punch my best friend’s grandma in the face and never apologize. I’d rather sing the theme song from Family Matters out loud for the rest of my life.
Police officers must see my dainty little woman wrist and think, “Hmm, that looks like it wants a cuff buddy. I’m going to attach it to this woman over here who is picking inedible pieces of crud out of her hair and taste-testing them for pleasure. Yep. Oh, she’s also a mouth breather and wants to swap shanking stories? Double yep.”Just to be clear, I do not enjoy this.
Also, to the jail’s credit, but much to the dismay of people who eat, they do provide you with “food.” It involves slimy surprise meat, a golf ball sized mushy brown apple, the driest dessert cookies ever made, reject pretzels from 1989, and hot water to wash the e. coli down your disapproving gullet.
The officers all seem to hate their life, hate you, and be really busy. They are annoyed by simple questions like, “Can I please use the phone?” Or, “Will you tuck me in?” They don’t have time to answer anything because they are too busy being busy. They also say, “i’m just doing my job” a lot. Well if your job is to be hateful and busy and dress like a police officer, what is my job? I guess it’s to be dangerous and crazy and dress like a criminal. Which is why every person who is arrested should be provided with a crime kit.
If police officers are given the necessary tools to play their part, why shouldn’t I? Just to make sure everyone is, “just doing their job,” they should make it easy. You, policeman, get a gun, a uniform, a badge, and a distaste for humankind because you’re in control? Fine. I want a sprinkle of crack, a rusty knife, something to set on fire, and a family member to beat because I’m out of control.
Dragons > Jail.
Mucus > Jail.
Toddlers and tiaras > Jail.
1,000 mosquitos > Jail.
Poop flavored jelly beans > Jail.
Anything > Jail.